Why won’t he behave!
March 2, 2009
Before you can change your child’s behavior you must have a relationship with them. It is imperative that they know on a deeper level that you care for them. Without a relationship, there will be no behavior change. The term that we use in my office daily is “Rules without Relationship = Rebellion.”
Back during my internship a grandmother brought her 7-year-old grandson into the clinic. She stated that her grandson’s behavior was awful and that his mother, her daughter, was not being a competent or kind mother. The 7-year olds mom made it very clear that she didn’t want to be a mother and found her son not only a hassle, but a burden. The grandmother brought her grandson to see me hoping that I could work on his behavior and get him to behave better. At that point, hopefully the mother would be more accepting of him if he behaved better and she would “like him”. The grandmother was under the impression that if a dog is better behaved, then the owner will be nicer to the dog.
As sad as it was, I had to tell the grandmother that her grandson was not “the dog” in this situation and that I couldn’t help him behave better by therapy alone. He was misbehaving because he felt his mother was rejecting and negative with him. The problem was clearly that his mother did not want to be a mother and have the responsibilities and burden of parenthood.
Being around someone who does not like us does not bring out the best in us. We tend to act best around people who judge us fairly or positively. Around people who judge us negatively we tend to be avoidant, obnoxious or cruel in defense. As stated before, relationships are nine tenths of the work with these difficult children. Without relationships we have nothing.
Building relationships with high maintenance or strong-willed children can be difficult. They tend to misbehave at a higher frequency, make the same mistake repeatedly, and defy your directives. In all, they don’t make themselves as loveable as they can, but they aren’t doing this on purpose most of the time. Often the problem is that they don’t have the emotional skills to deal with their anxiety or control themselves. They may have the intellectual skill to do high level school work, but they are immature and lack the ability to identify and control their emotions. Hence, they need to be taught these skills.
More on this later if people are interested. Let me know.
For more information on a skill building technique called the “Practice Academy” see the audio CD’s on:
Building a Relationship with Out of Control Kids
February 20, 2009
The following is an excerpt from my recent workbook for teachers. This is very applicable to parents too, just switch out ‘children’ for ’students’.
While working toward your teaching degrees, many of you were taught that praise is a great way for encouraging kids to behave. In fact, most colleges molded you into little cheerleaders.
There’s nothing wrong with that approach most of the time, and it works beautifully with some – and probably the majority of – kids.
The only time praise typically won’t work is when we’re dealing with an out-of-control youngster who’s hell-bent on causing trouble.
With these little tyrants, praise often backfires. The reason that praising usually won’t work in their case is that positive descriptions don’t match their self-concept, which is the way they view themselves. (This has nothing to do with self-esteem, which is how kids feel about themselves).
If a third-grader sees himself as bad, stupid or incapable of performing simple tasks, it freaks him out if a teacher says he’s good, bright and extremely capable. Hearing himself defined that way conflicts sharply with how he believes himself to be. That creates stress, which generally leads a defiant kid to stir up more trouble so that your next adjectives won’t be quite so glittery.
The way to avoid this problem is to use Acknowledgments rather than Praise. An Acknowledgement is simply a description of what you see a child doing. For example: If you notice a student working on his multiplication tables, tell him you noticed. But don’t go any further. Don’t say something like: “You’re doing really well on your times table!” That’s praise.
Praise not only tells a kid what he’s doing, it adds your opinion about it: “You are doing such a good job on your math assignment; you’re such a smart boy.” Both ‘good’ and ‘smart’ are value judgments.
If you feel that acknowledging is just stating the obvious, you’re absolutely right. Add anything more than the obvious, and it won’t be effective. Your attention alone is the positive in this case.
But if you’re afraid you’ll sound boring or weird, pretend a blind person is in the room with you. Every so often, you have to make a comment clueing your blind companion in to what your defiant 4th grader is doing. That’s what we’ve got to do with our strong-willed students. Just give them the facts and let them decide how to respond.
For more information about this and other behavior strategies go to:
The Myth of Self-Esteem
February 19, 2009
There’s a new revolution afoot we’ll call the “self-esteem movement.” Its founding principle is that the only acceptable feedback for kids is positive feedback. I’ll give you an example. In the good ‘ol days, only first-place teams and players would get trophies or ribbons at the end of a sports season. Sometimes second- and third-place athletes got a pat on the back or even a tiny ribbon. But that was it.
Go to a postseason soccer-league banquet these days, and you’re in for a shock. Every player on every team, even the one that went winless and didn’t score a goal, gets a trophy. The reason: We don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. Is that real life? No! If your supervisor picks your co-worker’s proposal over your own, is he going to give you the same raise and promotion as your colleague? Of course not!
I won’t bore you with the mundane details, but the bottom line is that research proves the praise-only and praise-always approach doesn’t work. Well-intentioned that the self-esteem movement may be, its efforts actually backfire. Praising all the time without providing a reality check only creates laziness and entitlement. Children not only put out less effort; they actually wind up feeling worse about themselves.
If you are going to praise your kids/students, it’s better to praise the “effort” than the “intelligence.” Kids who get frequent praise for their intelligence feel they don’t need to put forth any more effort, partially for fear they’ll fail. Children who are praised for their effort, though, will put out more believing they can achieve a higher goal next time.
The other problem with the self-esteem movement is it frowns upon anything that slightly resembles a negative consequence. Folks in the movement see Time Out and scolding as unnecessary and harsh.
Truth is, we cannot live by positives alone any more than we can live by negatives alone. We need a blend. As we mentioned earlier, we do need more positives than negatives. But we still need negatives.
Let’s say the Internal Revenue Service could impose no negative consequences (fines, prison terms, audits) if you failed to pay your taxes. And let’s say its only method for motivating you to pay your taxes was to send you a postcard stamped with a smiley face after you sent in your return. How many people do you figure would pay their taxes on time every year? There are some things in life that just require a negative consequence to get us motivated.
Negative consequences are not the devil’s work. Used reasonably and appropriately, they inspire kids to grow better than anything else would or could.
Dr. Ray Levy is a Dallas based psychologist who specializes in difficult, explosive, and high maintenance children and adolescents.
for more information on this and other subjects:
Why Behavior Charts Don’t Work
February 17, 2009
The idea behind behavior charts is that they’ll improve compliance and motivation in every single child or student. Do they? Of course not. These charts have built-in problems. You know it. I know it. And that’s another reason teachers despise psychologists. Even though behavior charts don’t work, many counselors still recommend them. It’s kind of like pouring diesel in your gasoline-powered car and wondering why it doesn’t run well.
The main problem is that behavior charts get students focused on a reward. After a while, these children do what we call satiate. To understand what this means, think about the last time you were really hungry for a chicken sandwich (or a Caesar salad, or whatever your favorite dish is). If I give you a hot, fresh chicken sandwich, it tastes great. If I give you another, it tastes awesome too. By the third or fourth one, the flavor begins to lose its appeal. And by the seventh one, you don’t like chicken sandwiches at all. At this point, you are satiated.
The other problem with focusing kids on a reward or privilege is it does not enhance their relationship with you. What are they focused on: You or the reward? What do you want them focused on? You got it: They need to work on improving their relationship with you.
Likewise, it’s important for you to notice when your student is behaving and moving in the right direction. As we learned earlier, it’s not just a problem with the student. We adults play a role, too. The following exercise will show you how to make a different type of behavior chart – one that will actually work for you!
For more information, go to: www.EffectiveBehaviorSolutions.com/books.htm or www.DrRayLevy.com
Learn how to teach your child or student better coping skills and behaviors. Now there are both audio CD’s for parents and teachers.
How do I stop my kid once they are having a meltdown?
February 16, 2009
Question: How do I stop a full-blown meltdown or temper tantrum?
Answer: You’d be surprised how often we get this question. A child or adolescent gets upset and starts a full-blown tantrum with kicking, cussing … you name it. Not fun. And there’s really nothing you can do once a kid is in the middle of it.
It’s ugly, isn’t it? And unfortunately, the best way to illustrate this next point is with perhaps even a more unpleasant and graphic image. What happens when a kid gets an upset stomach and starts throwing up? Ever had that happen to you? Is there anything you can do to help your child stop? The unfortunate answer is no, of course not.
Pretty much all you can do in the short term is allow nature to run its course and to help clean it up. But in the long term, you can help them prevent this from happening again. Say your son/daughter had too much junk food, and that led to the upset stomach. You can help him/her make better food choices in the future.
You’re pretty much in the same predicament when it comes to a tantrum. Once your cherub gets started, nothing you do or say is going to end it before its time, but you can take steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. You’ll learn about some of these steps in the audio CD, I’ve Had It With You! Your job is to help your kids build the skills they need to avoid an equally unpleasant scenario later.
You can find out more about this subject and how to obtain this informational CD, go to
I’m afraid of breaking his spirit!
February 16, 2009
Often in therapy I hear parents express this fear. They are afraid that by setting limits and giving consequences that they will somehow damage their child emotionally.
Children crave limits. They feel more comfortable when they know what is allowed and what is not allowed behaviors. Also, they derive their self-esteem from mastering their behaviors and emotions. That’s right, emotional control will create self-esteem with your off-spring.
For more information and helpful CD’s go to:
Hello parents and educators
February 16, 2009
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